


Drowning Lessons - DGR002: #0160310

by Relvich



Category: FanganAcademy Discord Roleplay, The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Fangan Ronpa: Fangan Academy, Gen, Original Statement (The Magnus Archives), Original Vast Avatar, Statement Fic (The Magnus Archives), Suicide, Suicide Attempt, and now he has to witness the entire universe unfold and its eventual heat death, archivist!rin, cuz he cannot die! fun, merlin knows nothing and then he knows things......, vast!merlin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-14
Updated: 2020-05-14
Packaged: 2021-03-03 01:40:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,885
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24186793
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Relvich/pseuds/Relvich
Summary: Statement of Merlin Lei, regarding his attempted suicide. Original statement given 10th March, 2016.
Relationships: Chun Meilin | Merlin Chun & Sasaki Rin (Fangan Academy)
Kudos: 5
Collections: Crossover Collection Party





	Drowning Lessons - DGR002: #0160310

**Author's Note:**

> Heed the tags! Suicide (obviously) plays a very large role in this statement, and if that will squick or trigger you then please don't read! Stay safe <3

[Click]

**Merlin Lei**

_[a popping noise accompanied by a rush of air and the fluttering of papers]_ So, what’cha up to, then, Archivist? Archiving? Putting together all our Facebook profiles? Heard you’ve been doing some _recon_ work.

**Archivist**

Merlin, just in time. I had just about gotten to the Vast section.

**Merlin Lei**

Oh, _had_ you now. Interesting. What all you have, so far? Jack and or shit?

**Archivist**

I _did_ grow up in this world, you know. It’s not like I don’t know the big names.

**Merlin Lei**

_One_ of his big names, yeah, sure.

**Archivist**

…One of them, yes. But I’m trying to catalogue _all_ of the more well-known avatars, and, well…

**Merlin Lei**

Well?

**Archivist**

You _are_ a Fairchild.

**Merlin Lei**

The scandal. Someone should’ve told me.

**Archivist**

You know what I’m asking for, Merlin.

**Merlin Lei**

Oh, I’m _very_ aware. But if you’re going to beat around the bush and not _ask,_ then I don’t see why I should _answer_.

**Archivist**

Do you _really_ want me to ask, Merlin Lei? Is that how you want to do this? This is me being polite, you know.

**Merlin Lei**

Oh, I know. This is me being _not._

**Archivist**

_[sigh]_ Why are you being like this, ‘Lin. I think you understand why I’m doing this. I’m keeping my promise, why are you being difficult?

**Merlin Lei**

Difficult would be me not showing my face here for longer than your lifespan; I’m _here,_ aren’t I? Obviously I want to help, but I’m _gonna_ need the compulsion. Feeding another’s God knowingly is, _surprisingly,_ difficult. And I’m not sure how much of that is my own fear of being known - really? You compelled _that_ question?

**Archivist**

You were asking for it. Statement of Merlin Lei, also known as Merlin Fairchild, regarding…

**Merlin Lei**

The events leading up to their suicide and their subsequent undeath.

**Archivist**

_[sharp intake of breath]_ …Statement given March 10th, 2016. Statement begins.

**Merlin Lei**

Interesting thing, that. That those are the names I am being recorded under but neither of them are real. Or, not in the way that some people think is important. My name is Meilin, using the characters from plum blossom and forest. My birth family name is Chun, for spring.

Lovely time of year, spring. It used to be my favorite, I think. Now everything sorta blurs together in that department. Every year is shorter than the last, and that may be blasphemy, but it’s true. And seasons are nothing compared to the vast expanse.

But my family? The one that I was born to? It didn’t deserve the name. There was no fresh air in them, no gust or breeze to cool the torment of the mind. Just the cold of winter, the raging heat of summer. There were never any in-betweens with them. You were either for or against them, and they rarely let you make that decision yourself…

Anyway. My name is Chun Meilin, or it was. And my birth family were of a sailing sort, so you could say my relationship with the Vast started early. Always fascinated by it… _always_ terrified of it, sides of the same coin, I’m sure you understand, Archivist. Then I was young and human and stupid and while those things aren’t synonymous, they certainly help each other along. You have to understand, I didn’t understand _anything,_ then. I knew nothing of the Cults or the Entities. But I _knew_ the Vast.

And… I also knew _of_ cults. Not these. But the regular mundane ones that are just as, if not _equally_ as dangerous. The Entities, though unknowable, I understand them to a degree. They have one goal in mind, you know? And even then it is aimless. People, just _regular_ people? They aren’t like that.

My _parents_ weren’t like that, and I suppose that means I should stop beating around the bush. They were cultists. Worse, really, they started their own. It’s not important what their teachings were here, only that they had them, and that then they had a child. Little plum forest, put out into a world their parents were convinced hated them… put out into the world specifically to have a third person helping to run the show. Groomed into a leadership role at a young age and never really getting a childhood, yadda yadda. Plenty of people have had it worse. No, what was bad, really was that they - I said I didn’t understand anything, and I didn’t. What was bad was that they got _close_ to hitting on the truth. They got very, dangerously close.

Which means I knew the Vast… and I knew the Lonely.

The problem is that the Lonely knew me back. Strange thing, that. The Vast, it doesn’t care about one person drawn into it, y’know? It’s too big. It has too many things, too many people thinking about it for it really to matter much. That, and us Fairchilds do a pretty good job of keeping it well-fed. But the Lonely… there’s a reason its epithet is the One Alone.

So, anyway. That’s the scene. I’m a kid thrust into a pretty desolate - pardon my language - world, thrust between two fear Gods I didn’t even know existed but could _feel._ I felt them there, stuck as I was in the middle of them. There’s a reason us and the Lukases have to share the waves, after all.

But beyond all that, what really was happening was that I was a somewhat regular kid being treated like shit. Funny how often our stories start out that way, huh?

Even funnier’s I was just… a shit musician they made write hymns for them. Do you understand how breathtakingly _funny_ it is to write hymns for an entity that they did not understand to be the Lonely? How infuriating it was to have to be their little machine? The Lonely does not want your words, spring breeze, it wants your silence. It continues to want mine even as I do not sing verse to its void anymore.

So yeah. Long story short, I killed myself. I spent seventeen years on a ship sailing adjacent to the Fog, nearly slipping into it, spent seventeen years on a ship no one loved me, spent seventeen years wanting to die or be cared about, whichever came first, and, well. I could only make one of them come quicker. So I did.

I climbed the highest mast of the Silence, which, yeah, they even managed to name it after the Loney’s ritual on accident, don’t ask me how. And before I threw myself off into the great sea below, I… I looked up. The sky, see, it was one of the only things that’d ever… comforted me. The vast nothingness above, it didn’t care that I was sobbing my heart out, or that more often I felt nothing at all, it just… existed without me. Existed apart from me. Made me understand that I was an individual, yes, but barely an ant, that without me there life goes on. _It_ would go on. And as the stars winked at me, I swore it felt like if I didn’t go soon, like, _now,_ I would start floating instead of falling.

And that was the scariest thing. That if I didn’t do it then I would end up _surviving_ instead of plummeting to my hard earned watery grave, so I…

I jumped, Archivist.

And I fell. Not through the infinite dimensions of the Vast, though I certainly was in its domain, I fell through a couple of handfuls of seconds to the hard surface of the waves, cracked a few bones, I think, started sinking and started breathing in saltwater as soon as my nose was under. A real, human fall. My last. See, like I said, I knew nothing of the Entities, and maybe if I’d had I would’ve been able to save myself from this hell. I. _Fully_ intended to die.

Just… shouldn’t’a tried it the way I did. Because I fell, and well…

The Vast caught me. As well as the Vast can catch anyone. Water filled my lungs, brought me down to its level, and still I stared at the sky I could no longer see, at my watery ceiling above, and I wasn’t… scared. It wasn’t claustrophobic, I mean, the ocean is… huge, even as the pressure beats down, you understand that within it you are nothing. I still _am_ nothing, I _breathe_ nothing, I am a breeze blown around by my God, nothing has changed except for the everything that changed in that moment.

Because in that moment, I understood. Not my area, I understand, but… I understood my place. Where I stood in the scheme of things, which was nowhere. And that understanding brought about… something. Something changed, then. I remember that the moment the bubbles stopped coming from my mouth in their journey to the stars above that there was a presence, that when I floated there in that fathomless blue that there was something…

Forgive me, there aren’t the words for what I am about to describe.

Something… o͇p̹͈̬̱̙e̦̭̹̖̪n ̯͔͙͇a̘̯̤n͍d̰̯̤̤̣ ͙̦̠cl̰̳̻͖o͉̞̣̤͙ͅse̠͚̤̜d͍͕.̘̟͕͚̩͖͈ ̠͈s͚̼̪̟o͇͉m̙̫ͅe̬̭̪̹͓̬t̞hi̮͈̥͙̖n̘͙̜̭͉̼g̜ ̗̥͉e̬̥̞v͍̝͚̝̻̯ḙ͈̖̟̮r͓p̗̱r̝̘͉e̲͇̝se͚̱̼͉n̠t͚͚̫͉͕̹ ͓a̺̰͔͇n̦̩̮d̲̜̦̞͎̬ **̳̥̙p̦ͅṛ̯̭̯̮͕e͙̹̪͎s͖̙̹e̮̭͚̖nt̘͉ͅ** ͈a͚͚͈̫̦ͅn̯̰d h̩̼̳͈͇ͅe͉͙̹a̘̥v̯̮͇̲̖y͍͍̳̱̗̟ ̭͍y͈̣̘͙e̫̞̤̯̞̫t̹̹̮ ̠͉̱̰̲̫f͈̭̟͙̟̹͖e̺at̩̜̤h̼̹̹̪̲erw͇͙̜̪̻͉e͖̰ig̫͚͕͉̹h͕̘̩͉͎̣t͇̜̭͔ ͙̥͙͖̰͙ͅa̟̹͓̳n͙̞͚̩d̗͔̞͓̜ y͓̳eṭ͚͚̳ ̲t̘̼͎̱̰͙h͓at̪͇͉͙̫̥͎ ̖̩̱̹̯w̯͉̰̣͎̮h̳͖̰̝̼͉̥i͙͔̹̣͓͕c̯h̦̟̼̻̫ ̻̤̘f̝a͓̼ll̳̜s̘̬̫̥͍̜ ̯̘̹a͉̟̦̱nd ex̞͙̩p͓͍͖̯̮̖͍a̲n̲̳̞̯͖ds ͓̝͈͇a͈͓̩ṉ̘̳͎̙̪̟d̬̫̯͙ ͎̹͈̗̗̩c̻̱̼̭̞̤͈o̪͈̫͍͚̪̺n̬t̖̞̠r̙ͅa̗̲̼c̙̣̝̞͎͎ͅṯ̬ͅs͈̮̫̤̺̠̬ ̮a̼̣̭ͅnd̥͍̯͙̪̬̝ ̱͇̠it is̙̙͎ ̮͚͎̮͍ͅl̙̜͙̩͔̰͓i̠͙̰̺̯̖v͍̝̦̳̞ͅi͈n̘͙g̹͉̭̜͎͈̱ ̬͉͉̞̰̗̙a͕͔͍̼n̫̤̤d̲̙̰̭̭̼̣ ̱y̠̹̜̝̼̪͍e̻t̜̩ ̼̹n͕̳͕̲̦̗o̮̣̻ͅt͔̣̲̘̼̪̪ ̰a̹͈͓͕̻̩̰t͈͙̬ ̫͍̙̣͍̩a̦̰̣̠̠͈̻l̟̤l͈͕̱̗ ͓͉̦̞͔a̹͕̜li̭̮͖̙̘͉v̻̦e̺̰̻ͅ ͍̱̮̘̯͍a͇ṋ̳͕̮̞d̳̙ it̤̤̯͎͙͚ is͚͓̫̥̭̜̬ vo̖̮ͅid͎̖̲͚̩͖ ̤̳͔̤a̘̘̪̠̘ͅn͈̜̳d͙͍ ̠̖̥͉i̗t̙̙̤̲͚ ̯̫̟̳̳̞͖i͎̩̟͉͇ͅs̙͙̯̻͖ ̹̙̣͖̤͈̰a̖͖l̘̯ͅl̻ o̳̬̳͉f̰̦̞ ̗̣̱͇l̥͉i̯f̯͈e͎ ̼̝͓͈̹ạ̞̩̻͔̹ͅn̠̟̲d̘̩ i̬̩̹͈ṱ ̘͎͍̹̤̱͎is̜͇̥̹̠ ̘̰̙͉̲̲e̥̖̜̥͕͇v̤̩e̻͍ͅṛ̬͉̝y͚̙̪̜͎t͈̖͍̻̦ͅh̹̳ḭ̭̟͍̠n̻̤̫̮g̺̠̖ ̣̩͕̖͇̝͙a̙̮̞͍n̰͖͖d̪͓̖̦̘̩ ̞̹̤̩͖̜i̙͙ͅt͈̺̘͕͚ ̠̤͎͇is̩̪͚ ̣̹̘ṇ̞̳͚̘̪o̺̦̙̪th͕̥̥̖̭ͅi̲̪̫͚̱͈n̼̟̩̦g̤̖͖̻̦̯ͅ a͉͎̠̳͈̣̟n̗̦͖̺̥͍ͅd͈̫͎͈̪ **̝̯̯̱̲yo̟͇̺͚͇u̥̪̞̯͕̻̣** ͔̥̯̰̫̭ͅa̙r͍̬̭̤e͙̪ ͈̖͉n̜̱̺̘͓̰͍o̹͖̺t͈̤h̰̣̘i̯̤n̩̺̪g͓̠͉̳͇ ̥̜̤̘̩̪̣a͓̠͍n̩̗̣͎̩d͖ ͎̥y̟͓̪͓̩o͔͚̘̲̜̪͎u̩̭̣̠ c̹͈͈͕̥o̹̙̤̘̭̞̰n͎͓̻͕͖s̝̤i̬̥̣̬͇s̼͎̻t̯̜̠͔͔͚ ̝̼͙o͚̳̙͎͚̬f̬̱̮̣̰͚̥ ̥͓w̘͔̥͓̟͈ͅh̥̩̬̣̝a̺̭͉͚͕̳ͅt̫͎̦͙͖ͅ **̬̮̰͎̱̖͍e͚̱v̫̠̜̼e̪͓͓̙̖̖r͇̬̗̹ỵ̗̮ͅt̫̺̳h̘̹i͖͓͎͎͇ͅn̙̜͈g̺͚͍̺** ̮̲͖̝͙͈i̖͓̺s̜͕̦͎͚̮ ̖m͍̜a̩͍̠͚̦͖d̝e̗̻̼͖̦ ̖̭̖̱͖o̘ͅf.͈

[a pause, as if to let the static die down]

**Merlin Lei**

And it wanted me alive.

Or, that’s a strong couple of words. Want. Alive. It… forced my undeath. It resented that that which understood and felt it should cut its life short when it already was blasphemously so. It… doesn’t really care. Not really. But it cares enough to toy, and that night… that night where the stars were so clear in my vision, it… I died. I know I did. I remember it so clearly, so clearly…

But. Well. I woke up dead. Woke up dead and Falling and suddenly I was in a city and I Understood that I was not _allowed_ to die. That I was meant - that my puny life and self was meant to witness the everything that my brain was expanded to process yet not Know. That well and truly, until the heat death of the universe, I. _Cannot._ Die.

And trust me, I’ve tried.

Penance, I guess.

I was met by a Web avatar on that dingy city street, who hooked me up with Simon. From there, I guess you can probably deduce all that’s gone down.

I will say this though - as soon as I became a Fairchild, had a connection and alliance with the Lukases and their Entity, well… lets just say the Lonely had an _extensive_ meal that day. I still owe Peter one, which, you know, unfortunate. But the irony of them being caught between the jaws of the real thing was just… too sweet to pass up.

So there you have it, Archivist. How to die and become an immortal wind monster one-oh-one. How’d I do?

**Archivist**

…Well enough. You’re _not_ getting a hug.

**Merlin Lei**

_[laughing]_ Not on tape, at least?

**Archivist**

…

[Click]


End file.
